Chronic Masticator

Food feels good

Better than a Blowjob Brownies

because I love having sex but I’d rather get some head

This is the best brownie recipe in the world. Chock-full of all the good stuff like refined sugar, fat and just enough flour to keep it all in solid form, which elevates the gourmet experience above scarfing gooey brownie batter in your underwear, curled up on your kitchen floor (although obviously that’s a necessary step on the path to the final product).

Try adding shredded coconut or the crushed dreams of ever again walking confidently in a bathing suit.

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Ingredients

  • 11/4 C all-purpose flour
  • 1 tsp tsp salt
  • 2 Tbsp cocoa powder
  • 11 ounces dark chocolate, coarsely chopped
  • 1 C butter, cut into 1″ cubes
  • 1 tsp instant espresso powder
  • 1 1/2 C sugar
  • 1/2 C light brown sugar
  • 5 eggs
  • 2 tsp vanilla

Directions

  1. Preheat oven to 350F, butter 9X13″ glass pan.
  2. In medium bowl, whisk together flour, salt, and cocoa powder.
  3. Prepare a double boiler with a large bowl, combine chocolate, butter, and instant espresso powder. Stir occasionally until chocolate and butter are completely melted and smooth.
  4. Turn off heat, but keep bowl over water. Add sugars, whisk to combine, then remove bowl from water. Mixture should be room temperature.
  5. Add 3 eggs to chocolate mixture, whisk to combine. Then add remaining 2 eggs and whisk to combine. Add vanilla and stir just to combine. Be careful not to over beat batter here or your brownies will be cakey.
  6. Sprinkle flour mixture over chocolate mixture . Using a rubber spatula, fold flour mixture into chocolate mixture until just a bit of the flour is still visible.
  7. Pour batter into pan and smooth the top.
  8. Bake for 30 min, rotating pan midway, until a toothpick inserted in the centre comes out with crumbs still attached. Allow brownies to cool before serving.

Original recipe from Brown Eyed Baker

Fig with Proscuitto, Goat Cheese & Caramelized Balsamic Reduction

Every edible fig has a wasp inside it. And if that doesn’t blow your scientific mind you’re a lost cause. Here’s the gist: figs and wasps exist in a symbiotic relationship. Figs need wasps to pollinate and wasps need figs to procreate. Figs are kind of like inverted flowers so to pollinate, a pollen dusted wasp must crawl inside. The insects are keen to do so because figs are like wasp love hotels. When a female crawls inside a fig, the passageway is so narrow her wings rip off and there’s no getting out. If she’s joined by a male wasp the love hotel becomes the incubator for their eggs. We don’t eat those figs for obvious skin-crawly reasons. If a male never joins the female she dies of a broken heart, trapped in a fig. Upon her death an enzyme called ficain breaks down her carcass into protein; the fig essentially digests the wasp, incorporating her body into the ripening fruit. The crunchy texture you feel when you eat a fig are the seeds, not insect parts. Without figs there would be no wasps and without wasps we’d have no figs. To find out more, visit your local library.

In celebration of the insane existence of figs, here’s a salad with big slabs of salty meat and creamy goat cheese.

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Ingredients

Salad

  • 1/2 C greens (I used arugula)
  • 4 small figs (or 2 large)
  • 2 slices proscuitto
  • 2 Tbsp goat cheese
  • light drizzle of honey

Reduction

  • 1/4 C balsamic vinegar
  • 2 Tbsp brown sugar

Directions

  1. preheat oven 400F
  2. In a small saucepan over medium heat, whisk balsamic vinegar and brown sugar until sugar dissolves. While stirring occasionally, bring to a simmer and allow vinegar to reduce, about 5 mins. Allow to cool slightly.
  3. Meanwhile, crisp proscuitto in a pan in the oven for about 5 minutes, until brown and crunchy. Break into large pieces.
  4. Quarter the figs and lay on a bed of greens. Arrange proscuitto and crumble cheese. Spoon over balsamic reduction and top with light drizzling of honey.

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Chicken Lime Tortilla Soup

This is it folks, eternal winter. We’re never going to feel the saving warmth and light of summer again so here’s some soup for your troubles. This tortilla soup is bright with citrus, cilantro and avocado. If you squint into the steam you can almost forget there’s two feet of snow outside.

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Ingredients

  • 4 small soft tortillas, cut into 1/2″ strips
  • 1 1/2 Tbsp olive oil, plus 3 Tbsp for tortillas
  • 1 onion, chopped
  • 8 garlic cloves, minced
  • 2 jalapenos, seeded and diced
  • 2 chicken breasts, cut into thin strips
  • 2 litres chicken stock
  • 2 limes, juiced (about 1/4C)
  • 1 lg tomato, seeded and diced
  • salt & pepper
  • 1 avocado, chopped
  • cilantro for garnish

Directions

  1. In large frying pan, heat 1 tbsp olive oil over med-high heat. Fry 1/3 of tortilla strips until golden brown, flipping once. Let cool on paper towel and continue with remaining strips, adding 1 Tbsp of olive oil between each batch.
  2. In large stockpot over medium heat, add oil and then onion, garlic, and jalapenos. Cook until soft, about 5 mins. Add chicken, broth, lime juice, and tomato. Bring to simmer and allow chicken to cook, about 5-10 mins. Season with salt and pepper to taste.
  3. Ladle into bowls. Top with avocado, cilantro (a hefty handful), and fried tortillas.

Banana Bread with Nutella

The vast majority of bananas available in the western part of the world are Cavendish, a continually re-cloned single seedless strain. Predictably, with a lack of biodiversity bananas have become vulnerable to disease and now two different forms of fungus threaten to wipe our fruity abomination from the planet. My theory is when this happens we’ll tear ourselves into violent chaos, not necessarily because of any food crisis, but because we’ll be lost without the essential comfort food, banana bread to quell our fury.

Enjoy it while it lasts. This banana bread is moist with a pleasant crunchy top. Factor in the swirls of Nutella and you’ve reached a level of comfort food  that will get you through anything, even those high school flashbacks that make you tear up every time you listen to Jesse’s Girl.

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Ingredients

  • 2 C flour
  • 3/4 C sugar
  • 1 tsp baking soda
  • 1/2 tsp salt
  • 3 very ripe bananas, mashed
  • 1/4 C yogurt
  • 2 eggs
  • 5 Tbsp butter, melted
  • 1 tsp vanilla
  • 1/2 C Nutella

Directions

  1. Preheat oven to 350F, grease 9×5″ loaf pan.
  2. In a large bowl, whisk together flour, sugar, baking soda, and salt.
  3. In a small bowl, combine banana, yogurt, eggs, butter, and vanilla. Slowly stir wet mixture into dry mixture.
  4. pour half the batter into loaf pan. Dollop half the Nutella over batter in a checkered pattern, then swirl with knife or chopstick. Repeat with remaining layer of batter and Nutella.
  5. Bake 50-60 mins, until an inserted knife comes out clean. Allow banana bread to cool before serving.

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Original recipe from Hungry Brownie

Ginger Ice Cream

I love ice cream. Besides the straight sensory pleasure it stands as a testament for all we’ve accomplished. It’s the collaborative effort of agriculture, chemistry and engineering to create something that would never be found in nature, and yet composites so many things natural. Face it, ice cream is our magnum opus.

This ice cream is balanced between sweet and spice. I doubled the amount of fresh ginger from the original recipe and I’m inclined to add some extra fresh ginger in the final stages next time to give it more bite. But if you prefer your ice cream to not feel like it’s waging war on your sinuses I think the current version is perfect.

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Ingredients

  • 4 egg yolks
  • 1/2 C sugar
  • 1/2 C fresh ginger, coarsely grated
  • 2 Tbsp water
  • 2 C half-and-half
  • 1 C heavy cream
  • crystallized ginger, chopped (for garnish, optional)

Directions

  1. In large bowl, whisk yolks.
  2. In medium sauce pan, cook sugar, ginger, and water over moderate heat stirring occasionally for 5 minutes. Add half-and-half and bring to simmer.
  3. Add hot half-and-half mixture to egg yolks in a slow stream, whisking constantly. Pour back into saucepan and cook custard over moderately low heat, stirring constantly until custard thickens enough to coat the back of a spoon, or a thermometer registers 170F (do not let boil).
  4.  Pour custard through a cheese cloth into clean bowl and stir in cream and vanilla. Cover with plastic wrap and chill for at least 3 hours, up to 1 day.
  5. Freeze custard in ice cream maker. Transfer ice cream to air tight container and store in freezer for up to one week. Serve garnished with crystallized ginger as desired.

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Based on original recipe from Epicurious

Kale Salad with Avocado & Lime

Green food is a challenge to photograph. And yes, this salad looks like a mug shot. I considered skipping this post, but did Ivan Drago give up when he faced Rocky Balboa? did Ahab throw in the towel when chasing down Moby dick? No. So look upon this salad and all its naked glory because though it is indeed hideous it is also delicious.

Sometimes I get a craving for an extremely green salad. I had the herbs left over from the Moroccan Beef Bundles so I threw this monochrome together.

This can serve two as a side or you can add extra protein to turn it into a meal. 

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Ingredients

For Salad

  • 5 large stocks of kale, unzipped and chopped
  • 1 green onion, chopped
  • small handful of of parsley, chopped
  • very small handful of mint, chopped
  • 1/2 avocado, chopped
  • 1/4 green apple, chopped
  • sesame seeds/crushed peanuts/almonds (optional)

For Dressing

  • 1/2 lime, juiced (about 1 Tbsp)
  • 1 tsp olive oil
  • 1 tsp rice vinegar
  • 1 drop sesame oil
  • salt & pepper

Directions

  1. Combine all ingredients for the salad.
  2. Whisk together dressing.

Moroccan Beef Bundles

I’ll eat pretty much anything if it’s wrapped in phyllo pastry. You could hand me a bar of soap encased in it and I’d pop that badboy in my mouth. Fortunately, I’ve got something way better for you. These bundles of beef are loaded with fresh herbs and North African spice,  all held together with butter drenched sheets of pastry.

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Ingredients

For Beef Bundles

  • 2 Tbsp olive oil
  • 1 lb ground beef
  • 1 large onion, chopped
  • 3 garlic cloves, minced
  • 1 Tbsp fresh ginger, grated
  • 3/4 tsp cinnamon
  • 1 tsp cumin
  • 1/2 C tomato purée
  • 1/2 C fresh Italian parsley, chopped
  • 3 tbsp fresh mint, chopped
  • 1 package phyllo pastry
  • melted butter for phyllo layers

For Sauce

  • 1 C yogurt
  • 3 Tbsp Harissa Paste

Directions

  1. In a large pan on med-high heat, add oil and beef. Season with salt and pepper and brown 7-10 minutes. Add onion, garlic, ginger, cinnamon, and cumin, and cook 3-5 min. Add tomato purée, cook until moisture evaporates and mixture looks dry, about 10 min. Stir in parsley and mint. Remove from heat and let cool.
  2. Preheat oven to 400F.
  3. Cut phyllo into 4″ squares. Layer 6 overlapping squares, brushing melted butter between each layer. Place in buttered muffin tin and spoon 2 Tbsp of filling in the centre of pastry. Seal and brush top with butter.
  4. Bake 15 minute, until golden.
  5. Combine the yogurt and Harissa sauce for dipping.

Yields about 2 dozen

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Original recipe from Stefano Faita

Pear & Gruyere Pie

This pie is sweet and savoury. It contains one of the great fresh fruits available in this desolate wasteland we call Canadian winter. Plus, cheese is like the compelling new friend-of-a-friend who shows up at the party: no matter how much you love everyone else there, you kind of want to spend the night in a corner making out with it.

I bet this would be really good substituting apple and cheddar.

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Ingredients

  • 1 double pie crust
  • 7-9 pears, thinly sliced (I used bartlett)
  • 3 Tbsp brown sugar
  • 3 Tbsp white sugar
  • 3-4 Tbsp flour (optional)
  • 1 tsp vanilla
  • 1 tsp cinnamon
  • 1/3 tsp cardamom
  • 1 egg + 1 Tbsp milk
  • 1/2 C gruyere cheese

Directions

  1. Preheat oven to 350F.
  2. Roll out bottom crust and fit in 9″ pie pan.
  3. For pie filling: combine pear, sugars, vanilla, cinnamon, and cardamom (stir in flour if pears are very juicy). Pour filling into crust.
  4. Roll out top crust and place over filling. Crimp crust edges together, then brush top crust with egg wash. Sprinkle gruyere over top and cut a few small slits on the top.
  5. Bake for 45-60 minutes, until deep golden brown. Allow pie to cool before serving.

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Original recipe from One Lovely Life 

Hello World

Hey guys you know what the world needs? Another food blog. Now before you think about rioting in the streets and tearing down civilization to ‘get it right this time’ you can check out this blog. Please keep in mind this is new and just like the interior of a chrysalis before the butterfly is fully formed and ready to emerge, it’s kind of gross right now, but I think that with time and perseverance we’ll be flapping around in no time.